Once upon a time it was thought the best way to help distressed couples and their relationship was to teach communication skills. However couples tell me that when they are in the heat of an argument they are unable to remember their communication skills and certainly don’t feel inclined to use them at that time either.
Relationships are complicated! When couples fight over the dishwasher for example, its often not really about the dishwasher. Couples may even intuitively know this but can’t put their finger on whats really behind it. The unspoken emotions here are, “you never listen to me” or “I’m not important to you” or “can I count on you” but thats not what is conveyed. The dishwasher remains a common symbol of what is wrong in the relationship for many couples and keeps them going around in circles getting more and upset with each other.
I am an Emotionally Focused Therapist for couples and families trained in both Australia and Europe. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is an evidence based approach to relationship repair that is having great success across the globe with diverse cultures and relationship orientations helping couples work through their challenges and differences and most importantly equipping them with the tools to weather future storms together.
What are the consequences of doing nothing about your distressed relationship?
Plenty! The emotional toll on all family members has serious consequences for health. Loneliness, isolation, stress, depression, anxiety and their effects can plague everyone long after the relationship is over.
While divorce rates around Australia have dropped, around 50,000 couples still divorce each year with legal costs alone costing around $3,600 per couple and from around $10,000 for a contested divorce.
How can you tell if your relationship is in trouble?
Its not about the fighting! Fighting can lead to emotional distancing, further hurt and frustration. Research shows us that that it is the couples who distance emotionally, who stop fighting, who are at the greatest risk.
Can you do something to salvage your relationship?
Absolutely! Creating emotionally safety between the two of you has been scientifically proven to reduce couple distress and significantly improve relationships. Leading relationship researcher and author Dr Susan Johnson has helped us understand how adult romantic love works and we now have a map for repairs and recovery.
Securely Attached Couples
In adult relationships, people who love each other form an attachment to one another. Securely attached couples are able to soothe and comfort each other, regardless of disagreements or individual differences. Difficult circumstances can bring securely attached couples closer together and they are able to reassure one other.
Distressed Couples
Couples coming for counselling often have an insecure attachment for various reasons. It may be that a bond has been broken in the relationship such as after an extra marital affair that has not been healed. Perhaps your partner has let you down, or you have let your partner down at a crucial time without understanding the importance or significance at that moment in time. Sometimes it is difficulty with trust and expressing emotions to those who mean the most to us.
Hurts in the Relationship Drive Distressed Couples Further Apart
The result is that a negative cycle is created between these insecurely attached couples. Each partner gets more and more hurt over time, and the relationship gets more and more distressed. This negative cycle takes on a life of its own and spirals the couple down into a state of relationship crisis. Couples often report feeling anxious, desperate and angry or numbed out and distancing themselves, withdrawing physically and emotionally.
It doesn’t have to stay this way. Take the first step and contact me.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)
The counselling method that helps couples (and families) create secure bonds is called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). EFT is a short-term (8-20 sessions), systemic and tested intervention that aims to reduce distress, and create long lasting secure attachment bonds between loved ones.
Securely Attached Couples know the secrets to a happy and long lasting relationship
A recent meta-analysis of the best studies found that 70-75% of couples to be recovered from marital distress after EFT therapy sessions, and 90% of couples to have significantly improved.
Having worked in four different countries over the past several years, I have first hand experience of the power and effectiveness of Emotionally Focussed Couples Therapy across cultures, genders, length of relationships, and across relationships types – same sex and heterosexual couples. EFT is effective in relationships affected by chronic illness, such as depression, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and cancer.
I am a practicing Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) in Brisbane, Australia. Learn more about EFT and the success rate for couples of all orientations all over the world who have improved their relationship. Contact me to find out how EFT can help you.
Goals of Couple Therapy
The goal of couples therapy is to reconnect you and your partner. In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) this is set out in three stages. Firstly, together we identify the negative pattern in the relationship that has come between you, and take control. You may begin to realise that behind your harsh and angry words and distancing is a need for support and comfort, love and protection.
Secondly, together we work on creating new positive cycles of interaction that draw you closer together. You are guided to explore your needs more openly and as you do so together you will form a foundation of trust and intimacy in your relationship. Thirdly, together we work on creating a secure bond between you that will last long into your futures. Providing you with the knowledge to weather future relationship challenges together.
Expatriate Couples and Families
I have lived the expat life for the past 7 years and know first hand the joys and pitfalls of living and working abroad. I have worked with many expat couples and families supporting them through their transitions of a new life in another country, often with a foreign language to navigate. Helping children and teens learn to say goodbye to old friends often at very short notice, and teaching them skills to integrate and form new friendships. Teaching parents and children resilience and coping skills to ward off depression and anxiety symptoms now and later in life.
All relationships meet challenges from time to time. This is especially true for expatriate couples. Expat life brings its own additional relationship stressors. Significant change like an international move is highly stressful. Working away from your passport country or the last country you felt settled in and leaving behind support networks of family and friends. A trailing spouse who feels a loss of identity after each move and social isolation. Long working hours, extensive work travel and too much time away from the family for the employed partner.
Securely attached couples ride the stress wave together, clinging to and supporting one another.
In my counselling room I often hear expat couples tell me that they took an international job to improve problems in their relationship. Believing they were starting fresh in a new country. And their surprise when they realised their baggage travelled with them and didn’t get lost at the airport.
All jokes aside, its clear, expat life can significantly exacerbate existing relationship problems. Typically, these couples turn away from each other and not toward each other at this critical time. Feelings of hurt, abandonment, isolation, fear, anger and despair can escalate the individuals and couples distress.
Through the stages of Emotionally Focused Therapy, couples can work through hurts, understand their emotions and those of their significant others and strengthen and repair their attachment bond to become securely connected with one another.
Don’t put off taking action , life is too short to stay in an unhappy place. Continuing to run away from your problems is not the answer, they really do follow you.
Expat Relationships and Multicultural Relationships may Experience Additional Stress
If you are an Expat Couple, and you are or have been experiencing distress in your relationship, I encourage you to seek relationship support from someone who has lived the expat life and udunderstands your unique experiences and stressors. I encourage you to contact me to see how I can help.
